River Jordan || Author, Speaker, Radio Personality

Fact is, we ain't springing too fast around my house no matter what those clocks are supposed to do. Me - just in from oral surgery from a wisdom tooth and Husband from a little plug they took out of one of his muscles to test his superman speed since he was locked up like someone hit him with Kryptonite in a bike race. What a couple of sad sacks dragging around. Friday night we were both sitting on the couch in pain and finally figured out we could OPEN THE SOFA out since it is a sleeper and get comfy in front of the television since we are one of the only couples left in the southern hemisphere who do not have a television in the bedroom. We actually used to keep our TV in a closet and only rolled it out to watch DVDs. People referred to us a closet TV watchers because that's what we were. Not because we don't like TV but because we wanted to talk and read books and not be junkified. Back to Friday night. So we are as cozy as two people can get groaning with every move and we get hooked on a totally inappropriate show called something like Burning Bad. Okay -I was trying to get medicine prescriptions filled (See live panel performance and The Pink Collar Tour in Jefferson, Texas for the inside scoop and backstory reference on this one) with husband propped on the sofa when I left. By the time I get back he is sucked in to the story. And I'm saying, It's about what? And I don't think that is a very good example for someone. This isn't nice to watch. And the next thing I know I'm sitting with my hands over my eyes for the gory parts saying tell me when I can look. WE watched about oh, I don't know, hundred million episodes back to back because they kept coming on one after the other and we might as well been in Vegas spinning the wheel and saying hit me or whatever they do at the poker tables. To the best of my understanding we watched an entire season back to back AND THAT INCLUDES THE COMMERCIALS THAT CAME WITH IT. Because husband is a little what's that called OCD or something and he can't stop something that he starts until it's OVER even if it's a zillion episodes of something. I'm just a sucker for great acting and terrific writing - even when it's not exactly what I would call REDEEMING. Which I think is what I kept saying through the commercial breaks.

Now - let me state for the record - I have had ALL MY WISDOM TEETH OUT AT LEAST 8 times I do almost swear. To have to be dealing with that right now on top of having the Rabid monkey flu and then to find out the tooth was abscessed which I didn't know cause I thought all the fever and symptoms were due to the flu until I got suspicious when the PAIN IN MY BRAIN felt like it was totally frying my brain cells by Wednesday night. And I do mean frying them. I was literally lying in bed thinking - This feels like my brain is frying and I can't afford to lose any brain cells I might need to finish this next deadline. This also happens to be the point when Husband tells me that I'm getting a little snappy and giving him mean squinty looks. Oh really? You mean because I happen to be in more PAIN than we can legally inflict on TERRORIST that are trying to blow up our country. Because I'm in that kind of pain here and you think I'm being snappy? Well, don't worry - Our marriage will survive husband's not fully appreciating MY PAIN because it has already survived WINTER where he has continued to try to keep the thermostat below 55 because he makes those cat choking hairball noises swearing he can't breathe while I'm bent over and crawling around like Gollum and saying BUT the cold hurts us, the cold hurts us and I'm turning all Gollum looking blue in the process. I mean really the resemblance was getting a little scarier between the fever, the flu, the abscess, the cold . . . SCARY.

Well, thankfully the wonderful Dr. knew I was in that kind of pain and decided when I went in for a CONSULTATION that the Wisdom Tooth had to be removed right away because yes, he could smell my brain frying while I was there. BUT WAIT - I was here for a CONSULT. But I drove myself in and drove myself out - bless my heart. And started thinking about how tooth surgery is just one of the ugliest messiest things in the world. I mean - don't drink anything hot, cold, suck through a straw, breathe, move, or even think about spitting. Hmmm, no spitting - well, I guess just getting really sick from that pain medicine and tossing that milkshake I tried to snake down doesn't count for spitting huh? Oh, messy I tell you. So what did I do after surgery besides not keep a milkshake down? I just got Lost in LOST which I didn't watch for years in spite of friends telling me to until my son put me in from the television and said - C'mon Mom, just one little episode. Two days later with bleary eyes I stumble from the room covered in left overs I can't remember and orange Cheeto dust. I think I had made it through three seasons. Junkified. Maybe that TV should go back in the closet. Some people just can't be a social smoker and some people can't just touch a toe to a story and then walk away. I think I fall in that category. Story Junkie. That's what I am.

Speaking of story - if you missed River Jordan Radio live this past Saturday you missed a great time with me hanging out with Shellie Rushing Tomlinson talking about All Things Southern, her publishing experience and life stories. Or just pop over to River Jordan Radio to read about Shellie's appearance, more on the show, and about our upcoming guests the founder and creator of Story People and highly acclaimed author, Marcus Sakey.

And don't forget to also pop over to A Good Blog Is Hard To Find where yours truly is a regular contributor and will be posting a very special blog on Wednesday, 11 - on The Art and Agony of the Author Photo.

Okay - now if I hurry I think I can squeeze in two more LOST episodes before Sundown. I mean, what's that extra hour of sunlight for anyway? Watering plants?

I am so busted. Over a plant. Which sounds like something from the news. But this is over this the World Wide Web for everyone to know and see that my Mama's award winning Christmas Cactus was frozen solid on the porch while I was in North Carolina. Then I added for NO ONE to tell her that I had killed it! NOW - my mother doesn't own a computer. She doesn't get on the Internet. EVER! But you know what Cousin Deb did the other night? Well, she went and bought a new laptop. And you know what she did then? She went right over to Mama's with her bad, wireless, little laptop self and pulled up my website and plopped it right there in Mama's lap! That's what she did. Then she asked her - What do you think of that? And Mama said, "I think award winning Christmas Cactus is DEAD! And Cousin Deb NOT BOTHERING TO READ MY BLOG - Said . . . Do what?

Now what are the chances? I have had a website for over six years and Mama has barely glanced at it except when I forced her to saying look, look, and here, here. Much less taken time to blog read. Not because she doesn't like me but because she doesn't have much affection for the computer as she doesn't own one and isn't accustomed to deal with them. HOWEVER, she does know how to phone someone and say, "Look this up on the Internet for me," so she is just wily in her ways.

Since Husband forgot that their were plants even on the porch to bring in (remember him saying - What plants?) - okay, I didn't remind him to bring them in or point them out - but this got me out of just a little hot water. If Mama had showed up at my house and seen the plant in all it's post-mortem glory she would have slid those glasses down on her nose and looked over them at me, and then back at the plant, and then back at me and I would have gotten the little bitty lecture that it only takes a little bit to make your plants live green and large which equates to, "All it takes is a little time and trouble and water and sun and dragging them in and out and wonder fertilizer and speaking low and having the right touch to make your plants grow." You just don't like to touch dirt, River. I can tell. Which isn't exactly right. I don't like yucky dirt with weird things hiding in it. I can play in clean dirt and sand all day long. Now to Mama's beautiful credit she said, "Oh, honey, don't you worry. I have LOTS of Christmas Cactus and just repotted some today and will bring you another one." Because she is a good Mama and she loves me and SHE HAS AN INCREDIBLE, GREEN THUMB!

The flu bug thingy whatever that has derailed me and kicked me out of the saddle continues to thwart my best efforts at major output or even walking in a straight line and counting small change. The banging around in my brains, to and fro with the chills, is worrying the heck out of me like a rabid monkey or something. But then I think of other people, like the beautiful writer woman I read a note from today who is battling cancer and I think - okay - another week of antibiotics and mucinex and whatever and this to shall pass. And God knows it makes me touch the space of those who are fighting illnesses with courage and faith beyond my reach and understanding. It makes me more humble and put my complaints in perspective and pray at large.

BUT I do tell you I am counting down the days to Spring when I believe healing comes like the buds on the trees and the green grass. Just let this Florida girl's bones get warm and I swear I'll be fine. Really. FINALLY. Nineteen days until Spring officially starts as of today - not that I'm counting - but I'm counting.

The pages of new novel are in progress so by the time you read Saints In Limbo when it hits the shelves May 19- I'll be deep in the heart of Dixie on the Alabama coastline cooking up another story with characters I love and a place I'd move to if it weren't for Nashville being home - because that's the way the beat goes on. Keeping those words coming in the middle of travels and travails. It's really what makes me feel like - Tomorrow, tomorrow, the sun will come out tomorrow . . . Now, if I can ONLY get this throbbing, beating, banging out of my head!